I try to run my life with cool dispassion

Nothing to get thrilled over

Nothing to get upset over

Nothing to get hurt over

Nothing to get joyful over

Nothing to get crazy over

Nothing to get wondrous over

Calm collected rational moves

Emotion kept in check on a leash

So much like a dispirited hound

Who went let go

Would leap for joy

And go crashing into the wall

More the fool I

But no,

Fool or no fool

I do not want to forget

The shrieking joy of the kindergarden pens

Me. You. Us all.

We all know where that is now don't we?

Right here inside.

Stirring, rising, hoping, seeking

Again.

I live inside a cocoon of my own making

It's dark inside here

And me a big fat worm – ugly as sin.

Every Break Out season

I listen to other cocoons cracking open

Wings unfolding in a powerful rush

Leaving behind

Only the silence of the departed

I must be the oldest cocoon dweller in the world

And the bitterest

Every season

I used to eagerly wait for my wings to appear

It didn't.

Now, for many years

I have all but forgotten that…

A few days ago

They brought a new pupae

I listened curiously

This one was silent

In deep, dark silences

I could smell her fear

I could feel her longing

How did I know it was a she?

How does a dog know a bitch?

We talked and she told me a story

Without words…

Now Break Out season is coming again

I can feel the quickening again

And I can hear my own self mocking again

This cocoon is going to rot

And you are going to fall to the ground

A worm after all, an earth hugger…

I shrug

It that's me – that's me

But I can feel an itch in my shoulder blades

I can feel the ghost of a fluttering inside my chest

Something deep and dark

And light

And powerful

And searing

And joyful

Is it there?

Really?

Or is just another…

Figment in the hallways of my imagination?

Break Out season is coming again

But I know

This cocoon dwelling life of mine

Will finally be over this season

Still in hiding…

I get tired of this, the doublespeak games

I freeze when asked to say one thing, mean another, think another

Half truths – the twilight zone

Now, said the drumbeat in my head

Now, said the little bird warbling the morning in

Now, whispered the sun still behind the horizon

Coming up – powering up

Seasoning for the summer

From the outer edges of the dark

Truth,

Its always been one scary place

Not for herself I can tell you

But for all of us who – when told the truth

May well wish it were otherwise

Non-acceptance spins its own alternate reality

And then there are those

Who will keen and wail

At the utter heart break

(After one such episode and when you come to another one of the same species

And you its cause

You think again, your heart weighed down, unwilling to see more hurt

Full disclosure can wait you think while you do

Some scrub up and make pretty turn around?

Have you just changed your skin? While still pumps there that evil heart?)